Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Amanda Laurel Lofton's InsaneJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Sunday, December 15th, 2019
10:47 pm	spamage. Tyger! Tyger! Burning bright In the forests of the night What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?  "The Tyger" (Songs of Experience) || William Blake (5 Comments |Comment on this)
10:38 pm	storylines. ( We stayed up all night, too. Not talking ) (Comment on this)
10:38 pm	profile. openbooksmod ( Not Mandy. That's a Barry Mannilow song ) (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 2nd, 2010
9:04 pm	Weekends, man. Have you ever had one of those long weekends where a lot of good things went down, but you're so exhausted that you can hardly stand up? I think this weekend fell into that category. I didn't have to work, which... can I just say that there's nothing better in the world than actually having my days off on the weekend? And AJ didn't have to work, either, which was perfect. It kind of sucked that the kid was at her mom's, but there's pros and cons to that. Cons, of course, mean we don't get to do any fun kid stuff with her, but obvious pros mean we get to do fun adult stuff. Well, fun adult stuff, and responsible adult stuff. We've been talking about doing some painting at my place, and it's kind of a time consuming project, so finding time when both of us are off on overlapping days. Friday night, I dragged him to see Date Night, because I have such a girlcrush on Tina Fey and I think Steve Carell is the funniest man on the planet, aside from my little brother. It was a pretty fantastic movie, worth the bucks I made AJ shell out for tickets and popcorn. We went to Coldstone afterwards and split an ice cream, because even when you get their smallest size, it's always too big for one person to eat. I stayed over Friday, and on Saturday afternoon when we finally dragged ourselves out of the house, we went to Home Depot to try to pick out paint colors. You wouldn't think it'd be so hard to do, but apparently it is. I already knew what color I wanted to paint the kitchen, but the bathroom I was torn about. He kept trying to get me to paint it orange. Orange? Seriously? Who the hell ever heard of an orange bathroom? I don't want to go into citrus shock while I'm brushing my teeth in the morning. I've seen what a bright yellow wall can do to a plac ewhen the sun shines right through the bathroom. It's... a bit ridiculous. And bliding. I value my eyesight. Orange was a horrible color. We ended up with a darker green-blue color, which I kind of love. It looks a lot like the ocean, and I can already picture how great it'll look when the bathroom's not plain white and boring. Of course, the weekend is over, and it's back to work with me tomorrow, so the actual painting will have to wait. I want a do-over weekend. Just to not have to go back to work. It'd be so great. (31 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 5th, 2009
4:58 pm	Discretion. I love my job. I really do. I like the balance of working with the animals and working with the kids. Usually, I'm pretty good with kids, especially the younger ones. But it's the older ones -- the high school-aged brats -- that I just can't stand. I had a freshman biology class today, and I was giving my presentation about the differences between seals and sea lions (and there are lots of differences, just so you know), and these three boys were in the back, giggling and pointing and being altogether disruptive. Their teacher didn't have them under control, and she kept looking to me like she expected me to discipline her students. They kept making comments about me. I could hear them, because they weren't being terribly discrete.  Talking about my tits and ass. Now, I'm all about male attention. Hell, I might have even been flattered if I'd heard some juvenile little comments outside of my job. Because it's nice to feel attractive, and it feels good. But there is such a thing as tactfulness, and that's a skill most high school boys haven't developed yet. Besides, have you seen what I wear to work? Khaki pants and a frumpy blue polo shirt. It's not doing me any favors -- they must just have an overactive imagination. Current Mood: annoyed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
9:58 am	Seasons Change. God, I love that the weather's finally starting to get nicer again. I know it's only supposed to be in the 60s today, and there are clouds all over and maybe some rain, but at least it's not dark when I wake up with snow on the ground. I hate snow, have I mentioned that before? This rain and humidity does nothing great for my hair, but at least I'm not freezing on my way from my car to the building at work. One of my favorites, an old sea lion named Seamus, died last weekend. We knew he was getting old, and that he was going soon, but it always sucks when they actually die. I've worked at the New England Aquarium for almost five years now, and when you're at a place for that amount of time, all of the animals start to feel like family. It's kind of like having a dog or cat, except these critters here aren't like pets, they're like friends. I don't know. If you're not an animal person, you can't understand. But I loved Seamus like a brother, almost (he's better looking than the brother I have!), so it's hard to see him go. Wanda, another one of the sea lions who was Seamus' on-again/off-again girlfriend-mate-best pal-whatever, has been taking it pretty hard, too. We got her to eat last night, thankfully. Three days without food was all she could take, I guess. I spoke with Chantelle, my foster mom, on the phone last night for awhile. She said that the weather up there has been sunny and in the 80s. Stupid Florida. Stupid me missing Florida. I can't wait until that weather comes up to Boston. Current Mood: hungry Current Music: I Know Where The Summer Goes || Belle & Sebastian (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 27th, 2009
1:48 pm	15 - I Want To Be A Part Of It. I've actually been having a pretty amazing time in New York. I've got just under a week left, and I feel like I've made a lot of progress here. Aside from all the rabid Yankees fans I've met (read: instant turn-off), it's a big, fast, exciting place to be. Nice place to visit, but I'm not sure I'd want to live here. I'm about as hung up on Boston as a non-native can get -- besides, I'm really missing my brother. A lot. I'm missing AJ and the kidlet, too... even if her dad is getting on my nerves at the moment. I was sitting in my room the other day, watching The Goonies on television and remembering when Gray and I used to jump around our backyard pretending we were pirates. I bought a new CD at a shop the other day by a guy called Andrew Bird, picked out based on a cute record store employee's recommendation and the relative cuteness of the artist. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that his name is Andrew, and I'm missing my Andrew. Nothing AT ALL.   But this guy has a pretty awesome voice and I've been listening to it while I go for my morning run. It's wonderful. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Heretics || Andrew Bird (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
10:46 am	14 - The Past Twelve Years. I've been having these dreams lately, where I'm walking alone in a strange city. Nobody is looking at me, which is different, but that wasn't the thing that bothered me. It was kind of the way I always thought New Orleans should look, even though I've never been there. But everyone was dressed in period clothing from back in the day when women who didn't cover themselves were considered harlots (God, what a fun word that is, harlot -- people really knew how to insult people back in the day). I guess people who don't cover themselves are still considered of questionable morals,  but there are different standards, you see. The crazy part was that I had a really beautiful dress on, in that same style. It was weird to see myself that way. But nobody cares about my dreams. Forget about that. I just sorta wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. I've never considered myself an expert in my field, but apparently I'm the best that the New England Aquarium's got when it comes to the penguins, and I'm the closest thing to an expert that's in the New England area. There are some sick birds at the Bronx Zoo, and they've asked for some help taking care of them, since they don't know what's wrong. I'm the most qualified of the trainers and handlers in that area, so my boss arranged for me to spend a month in New York. She exchanged me with one of their seal guys. It's only temporary, though. I get to stay in a mid-level hotel on the company's dime, and I get to go to New York, where I haven't been in a few years. It'll be the longest I've been away from Boston since I moved here twelve years ago for college. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Chasing Pavements || Adele (28 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
5:14 pm	13 - Birthdays and Anniversaries. Backdated to January 2nd, 2009 [Readable by Grayson only, though not really written to him.] Twenty-four years ago, my parents were killed in a car accident. It seems like such a long time ago. I can't really remember much about being six years old, except that I really liked My Little Pony and anything pink. I can't remember what my mother's voice sounded like. I can't remember what my dad smelled like. I remember a song she used to sing to me to put me to sleep, but I only remember the tune, not her singing it. Is that the way it is, then? Is that what happens when you get older? The longer we live, the more we forget, no matter how important something is. Or someone. How much more important can a person be than their parents? I was eight when I was adopted, so Hank and Chantelle have been my parents for the majority of my life. I love them just the same as I think I would love my parents if they were still alive, but do I really know? It's hard to think about, because it's impossible to ever really know how my life would have been different if my mom and dad were still alive. It's easy to go about my life with them in the back corner of my mind, thinking about how they're watching over me, looking out for me (I really like to think that they go off and do something else during sex, like maybe they watch Charles In Charge on television or something. I wonder what they'd think of the shows on TV these days?). Most days, I'm really okay with my place in life, and I can deal with the whole thing. I learned to manage my grief a long time ago. I had to, I think. I really needed to be strong so Gray could be, too. We helped each other a lot, I think. But it never seems to work on my birthday. I can't really ever hold it in. It's partly why I never tell anyone that the day is coming. I don't celebrate it with drinks, and I sure as hell don't have a party. Because it's the day my parents died, and they died getting things around for my birthday party. If it hadn't been my birthday, they might still be here with me to celebrate. I know it's not my fault that they died. It's some shitty drunk driver flying around with his head up his ass. Who drinks and drives in the middle of the afternoon? When I was in college, I tracked the guy down. I hunted him down because I wanted to see his face, and look him in the eyes. I've never hated someone so much as I hate Maurice Walker. I didn't speak to him, but just seeing him made me so angry, my stripes came out. For a minute there, I thought that claws would come, too. That was the first time the stripes ever appeared. They were black and bold and they didn't fade right away, either. I had to wear long sleeves and skip classes because they didn't go away. They were there for two full days. Somehow, though, the stripes don't really come out on my birthday anymore. No matter how sad I get. It's like they're hiding. I know Andrew is coming over tonight, and I'm sure he has something planned. I can't really tell him no. I never can. But I can't tell him why I don't want to celebrate. So I'll probably end up celebrating anyway. But I'll be good. I'll humor him because I know it's important to him for some reason, and he's important to me. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: These Days || Nico (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 18th, 2008
10:02 am	12 - Run Run Rudolph So, raise your hand if you would ever have pegged me for being a serious Christmas nut? I fucking love this time of year. Even though I hate the snow and the cold weather and the frostbite and the poor circulation and the mile-long lines at the Post Office and the crowded parking lots at the mall, I still love it! Love love love. I'm so excited, I can barely sit still. Now, I know what you're thinking: Manda only likes Christmas because she gets lavish gifts from everyone. Yeah, well that might be a contributing factor, but it's Christmas, not Giftmas. I genuinely do like the feeling of being surrounded by people who care about me. I only wish I could get some time off from work to go down to Miami for Christmas. But those freeloading foster folks of mine are retired, with nothing better to do than come up to New England for the holidays. They're staying with Gray this time, thank goodness. I don't think I could manage to clean my place again this time, at least not quite to their standards. I don't know when he learned to pick up after himself, but he's actually cleaner than I am. They're only coming up for a week, and they'll be gone before New Years... which will give me time to clean, since this year, instead of going out and painting the town red, I'm having a New Year's blowout at my place. It's going to be big, beautiful, wonderful, and loud, and if you're reading this entry, and you're going to be in Boston, you're invited. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Muppet Christmas Carol! (44 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
12:05 pm	11 - Stuffed So, I've gotta say it -- I don't think I've had such a fun holiday in a long time. If this kickoff is any indication of how the rest of the holiday season is going to go, then I say bring it on! Full-force, it's going to be fantastic. Spent the weekend in Boston, of course. Hank and Chantelle came up from Miami to stay with me, and I had AJ, Alyssa, Gray and his girlfriend all over to the house. Right. Not like I was the one cooking -- I can't even make Rice Krispies treats right. But I helped make the stuffing and between AJ and Gray, plus Chantelle's famous noodles, we had a great spread. Gray's girlfriend made some dessert thing, too. The best part? Apparently Stacy didn't have anywhere to go, so her lovely daughter invited her over. Could be a disaster, right? Well, she hates me, and I know it, and I hate her and she knows it, but somehow she feels like she's gotta act innocent instead of like a heinous bitch when she's around Alyssa. So I got to play with my favorite boys and maul Alyssa to death with kisses and hugs and Stacy didn't like it one bit. Bwahaha. I love the holidays. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Wonderful Christmastime || Paul McCartney (24 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 30th, 2008
12:26 am	10 - Let's Get Lost Let's just cut the crap and say that I know that I make a habit of getting what I want. I play along and act innocent, but anyone who doesn't think I'm a conniving bitch (although a charming one), doesn't know me at all. Those who do, for the most part, have come to love me for it (or despite it, maybe). I really want to get away for the weekend. But you know me. I don't like to go anywhere by myself. Is there anyone out there who wants to scrap their Halloweekend plans to get out of the city for a little while? Anyone at all? (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 16th, 2008
12:26 pm	09 - Seasons In The Sun Screw autumn. Screw winter. Screw this stupid awful weather that does nothing but make me cold and wet. Say anything you want about the beauty of the changing leaves in New England in the fall, I'm a Florida girl and I do not like to be chilly. I get cold so easily, and it's always hard for me to keep myself from freezing. That's why my apartment is hotter than most Indonesian rainforests. That's why I own more blankets than I do pieces of silverware. I have to bring a blowdryer to work, so I can make sure my hair isn't still wet when I leave for the day, because if it's even damp, I'll have the shivers for the rest of the evening, even after I crawl into bed. I'm not being unreasonable here. Surely somebody else must share a similar outlook. Current Music: More Bounce (In California) || Soul Kid #1 (22 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 21st, 2008
11:20 am	[Blocked from Christian Turner and Andrew Fuller] So, I like to pride myself on the fact that I don't let myself get too attached to people. Especially men. Why? Because it's a stupid thing, letting yourself get all goo-goo-eyed and froofy over some guy. When you do that, you leave yourself vulnerable. It's easier to get a broken heart that way. I've never had one before, and I don't intend to break a 29-year-long streak now. But, what is a girl supposed to do when she starts to feel... guilty about the things she does? About the guys she does? I don't. I mean, not me. I'm not guilty of anything. I'm just saying. [PRIVATE] I don't know if anything I'm feeling for anyone is genuine anymore. And that disturbs me. A lot. [/ all blocks] I miss the Olympics. I want to watch Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh kick ass at beach volleyball -- just like I used to do when I lived in Miami. I want to make fun of China's middle-school-aged gymnasts. I want to watch Michael Phelps swim faster than a fucking dolphin. Actually, isn't the guy from Baltimore? That's not too far from here. Maybe I should look him up. Current Music: I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Amanda Palmer (Death Cab cover) (34 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 18th, 2008
9:09 am	08 - Don't Stand So Close To Me There's a guy who keeps coming to the aquarium, but only on days that I work. I'm fairly certain he drives a maroon Taurus. The same one that's been following me everywhere. To the supermarket. To the bars. To my apartment. Current Mood: uncomfortable (63 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 29th, 2008
5:28 pm	07 - Chelsea Dagger I am going to see Run, Fatboy Run tonight. Grayson, you're coming with me, so I hope you didn't have any other plans. Why? Because Simon Pegg is adorable and the movie looks hilarious. I don't typically care for films that promote grand romantic gestures, but who's gonna say no to this one? A movie full of British accents, too. It's a no-brainer. I should probably consider taking the pizza boxes to the dumpster. Before ordering pizza on another occasion. [Private] Ben keeps telling me I need to talk to Andrew... which is bothersome, because I'm still hurt. The kind of hurt that just lingers a bit longer than most, you know? It's been a long-ass time, too. How much longer am I really going to let it hurt, though? The first time, it was two months from the time he threw me out of his apartment before he talked to me again -- out of necessity, I think. Then, though things felt okay at first, they just tumbled into something ugly and awful at three in the morning before I really had time to process anything. Now? That was awhile ago. Christian and I have been getting closer, too. His roommate never really liked me that much, but since she's been gone, I've been spending more time over at his place. More nights, too. But I think Ben's right. I need to talk to AJ before things get bad beyond repair assuming that's not happened already. [End Private] I cannot stop listening to the Fratellis. They somehow manage to be slightly demeaning while also sultry and catchy as hell. I was good she was hot Stealin everything she got I was bold she was over the worst of it Gave me gear thank you dear bring yer sister over here Let her dance with me just for the hell of it Chelsea Chelsea I believe that when your dancing slowly Sucking your sleeve The boys get lonely after you leave It's one for the Dagger and another for the one you believe [Private to Andrew] Andrew Joshua, I need to speak to you. [End Private] Current Mood: fun Current Music: Chelsea Dagger || The Fratellis (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
11:53 am	06 - Serial Monogomy Staying with Ben for awhile helped me feel a lot better about things. Maybe he just helped me by painting a layer of denial and moose tracks ice cream over my issues, but it kind of filled in some of the cracks and gaps that were forming in my typically-cool facade. Audrey Hart, you owe me some serious face time, bitch. Just saying. You've been letting Mr. Kane substitute for my best girlfriend -- a title which he'd gladly take on, but wouldn't tell any of his boys about it. The penguins have started all their courtship rituals for the year, and it's just fascinating to watch. You know how everyone likes to go around saying that 'penguins mate for life' and blahdy blah blah? It's a line from some dumb chick flick I've seen one time and then promptly forgot. Maybe Never Been Kissed? Anyway, not all penguins do. The emperor penguins we have at the aquarium are serial monogomists. They will choose one mate for the whole year, but most of them forget all about their partner come next March. Fidelity over the years is really closer to about 15%. I don't know how this is supposed to relate to my life or anything profound like that. I've got nothing. Current Mood: curious Current Music: Spiderwebs || No Doubt (Comment on this)
Friday, February 22nd, 2008
10:08 am	05 - Flip Flop There used to be a time when I knew exactly where I stood in life. I think it was years ago, though. Like, when I was seven. Back in Miami, before my brother and I ever met our adoptive parents, I knew that he was the only thing I had left in the world. We didn't have a place to sleep where we didn't have to watch our backs. We didn't have a white picket fence, a dog, or a yard to play in. We just had each other, and I knew that the only thing really worth doing was taking care of him, even if I wasn't really old enough to take care of myself. Well, then I grew up, and things just got a lot harder. Whether I usually like to admit it or not. [Blocked only from Andrew Fuller] AJ called me up to babysit for him. I was a bit wary at first, because he hasn't said a word to me in over two months, and he just calls me up out of the blue. Well there was a good reason -- his mom was in the hospital. Who was I to tell him I wouldn't watch Alyssa? So the weird thing was that actually being there was awkward, and then it wasn't. Then I was fine. Avoiding him did nothing to help me get over feeling like shit, it just perpetuated those feelings, and made everything worse. So it felt like things were at least a little bit better between us, and I was glad for that. ...until he got home, and he was a totally different person. Different than I've ever seen before. It was almost two-thirty in the morning, and he comes in and wakes me up. I guess I might have said Christian's name in my sleep? It's not like I remember thinking or dreaming about him or anything. But the next thing I know, AJ's this big pile of bitchyness. At the time, I didn't know why. I thought it was stress from being at the hospital, or because he was tired. Until he turned on me, and made me feel like a goddamned whore. He threw Christian's name in my face, and he made me feel cheap. So, I don't care what people think about me. Except him, apparently. He's my best friend... or at least, I thought he was. Ben, if you wanted to, I think I'd probably be okay with you beating him up now. But I'd rather spend time with you. Actually, would it be okay if I stayed with you for a few days? I don't want to be by myself right now. [/ Blocked from Andrew] [Christian Turner only] I'm sorry again about coming over. I'm sorry about bawling and being a mess. I hope it was okay. I know we're not... we've never... it's mostly been just about sex   it was a bit unusual, but I'm just in a really bad place now. [/ Christian only] Current Mood: upset Current Music: Falling Slowly || The Frames (19 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
8:25 pm	04 - Less Complicated [Completely Private] I've tried lots of things to keep me from thinking about AJ all the damned time. Even thinking about him just makes me angry. He's such a stubborn asshole, and I don't get how he could talk to me the way he did. We're friends... supposed to be best friends? It's my job to be there for him, to help him work through whatever shitty issues he's dealing with. But the last time I spoke to him, he all but told me to mind my own business. He told me to fuck off without actually saying those words, you know? So yeah, I miss my best friend. I miss more than just his friendship, I miss waking up in his arms But if he doesn't want me in his life, I'm not going to force things. Because I've got far too much going on in my life to let him snag me up. Going out with friends hasn't helped me think about him less. Sleeping with handfuls of random boys and girls hasn't helped, either. Christian, though? Being around him helps. We've got this underlying kinship thing going for us, and I'm not sure I really understand it fully. I didn't sleep with him the first night I met him. No, I decided it'd be fun to see if he'd still like me if I didn't. I guess we'll see. Thinking about him right now gives me stripes. That's never happened before. [/ Private] [Private to Christian Turner] You know, a girl could get used to the kind of... hospitality... you showed me at the casino. I don't care what plans you have for this evening, or with who. You should be spending more time with me. [/ Private] So I think it's a bit sad that in all the years I've worked for the New England Aquarium, I've never managed to convince a guy to go swimming with me in the Great Barrier Reef tank after-hours. With all my feminine wiles, all the strings I can pull at the aquarium,  that's one thing I'll readily admit has never happened. Not that I haven't fantasized about it enough times. ...yet apparently, I'm using my powers for good after all, since Elliot wants to take some date swimming. This has to qualify me for some kind of humanitarian status. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Mystery Girl || Yeah Yeah Yeahs (52 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
12:18 pm	03 - Sneaky [Private] I'm always the first one to announce that my birthday has arrived. Maybe it's because I like the attention, maybe it's even a little bit because of the presents. I've always been that kid who gets excited for her special day, and wants to share that excitement with everyone... and anyone who will listen. It's just my style. But even though I've been feeling better these days... even though AJ's still not talking to me I just don't really feel like shouting from the rooftops that I'm another year older. I'm starting to get up there, and my twenties are disappearing. Honestly, all I can think about is last year for my birthday, the party that Gray threw me. Ben dancing around with me in that amazingly awful hat, and AJ's cake -- the most amazing cake ever. Fuck. I want some damned cake. I think I need to go somewhere and be alone this year on my birthday. Not because I'm depressed or hung up over someone, but because I don't want to be tempted to compare this year to last, only to find myself disappointed. [/End Private] I'm the sort of person who has a horrible concept of time. I can't believe it's only been a week since Christmas. New Year's Eve always creeps up on me. It's an exciting, pleasant surprise. So it's 2008 now, hmm? That'll take my hand a few months to get used to. I think I wrote a check in April or May last year and still wrote 06 on it. January 2nd snuck up on me even more stealthily than New Year's, though. I wouldn't even have noticed if IJ hadn't sent me a notification. Happy Wednesday, everyone. Current Mood: grumpy Current Music: St. Teresa || Joan Osbourne (Comment on this)